Teacher or Mentor? (Practice Music Better -part 4)

So you have a private music teacher, and lessons are going great. But are you taking full advantage of that relationship? You’ve probably heard of mentors before, but what exactly do they do? Can you just pay someone for their mentoring services? Isn’t a private teacher a mentor? In this article, I will explain what mentors do, how they are different from a teacher, how to turn your teacher-student relationship into a mentorship, and the KEY to supercharging that relationship. Also, check out the Bonus content for more resources on how to navigate a mentorship.

What is a Mentor

The role of a mentor is a bit more involved than that of a teacher. In the book, Smartcuts, Shane Snow writes, “Mentors, especially those that are at the top in their field, reach down and help newcomers climb the success ladder faster. They provide guidance and advice on what things to do and not do, and can put newcomers in front of large audiences, or influential individuals.” They get you to where you want in less time and with less work.

Mentor vs Teacher

Think of a private teacher as a purely transactional fee-based service. You hire a tutor, personal trainer, or any kind of instructor to guide your learning of a new skill. You show up to the class, they teach you, end of story. The relationship doesn’t go deeper than that, nor does the depth of the guidance.

Imagine a physician diagnosing your illness, or prescribing treatment without knowing about your lifestyle, medical history, allergies, etc. How can they give you the best care without knowing your mental state, fears, weaknesses, and biases?

Mentorships go beyond being purely transactional. Mentors take into account everything that can help or hinder your progress. Things like mental state, physical health, interpersonal relationships, phobias, moods, etc, not just the immediate technical execution. They generally don’t tell you what to do, but spend time asking questions and helping you cut through your own negative self-talk. See this video to hear a mentee describe her relationship with her mentor.

A physician taking a mentorship approach will get to know you as an individual, and you will get to know them. You might found out that you both took piano lessons as children, love the same basketball team, and have the same taste in movies. Knowing each other personally, you are more likely to open up about other things that could be affecting your health, and you'll take the physician’s advice more trustingly.

Below, I will outline some things that have helped me view my past teachers as mentors. Also, I will explain how vulnerability is the most powerful tool in your toolbox for an effective mentorship.

Make Your Teacher a Mentor

Research them on google, see if they have social media presence or website. In your next lesson, make comments or ask them something about whatever you found interesting. Ask them to elaborate on something you found interesting about them.

Some questions I have asked my music teachers were: when did you start playing music? was your family musical? Did you always play this instrument? What non-musical hobbies or activities did you participate in or still participate in? When was your first professional gig? Have you ever had a severe performance error?

I found out about one teacher in particular that they like to run cross-country. I would often start lessons with a chat about a recent hike or run I went on. This lead to conversations about other hobbies and interests we shared. This contributed to building a close personal relationship which allowed me to open up about other things going on in my life, which built trust, which allowed me to more fully accept his criticisms and guidance.

Then, I would get to more profound questions and topics like: what do you think is the biggest obstacle holding back my progress as a musician? Is there something about how how I am in lessons that you think I should change? I assured them that I wanted to hear the honest truth and I would not take offense to their assessment. I would tell them something along the lines of...

“Please don’t feel the need to sugarcoat any criticisms you have. I am here to learn, and am 100% open to your honest assessment of my skills. I want to be a good musician, and the only way I can achieve that is through honesty.”

This showed them that I was serious about my learning - which teachers/mentors love! – and would make them feel more at ease about giving me the hard to swallow truth-pills.

A personal connection with your teacher/mentor - outside of the technical instruction - will build trust. However, you will need one last thing, THE KEY, to turn your student-teacher relationship into an effective mentorship...

Vulnerability

Above, I mentioned that mentors are concerned with their mentee’s “mental state, physical health, interpersonal relationships, phobias, moods, etc.” In order for your mentor to take that into account, you must share that information with them. YOU must become vulnerable and allow your mentor into the inner machinations of your psyche. Easier said then done, but not quite so difficult if you get to know your teacher on a personal level, so DON'T SKIP THAT STEP!

Once vulnerability has been established, then meaningful progress can be made. You will then be able to take full advantage of your mentor’s wisdom and experience. Letting them know a little bit about your personal life will clue your mentor into the deeper reasons why you’re not practicing as much as you should, or why you have excessive performance anxiety, or scared to take the next step in your professional music career, etc. A mentor will get you unstuck!

Your mentor has experienced and moved past their personal circumstances, feelings of self-doubt, and general feelings of being “stuck” in their growth as a musician. Who better to help you move past your blocks than a musician who has been there, has an invested interest in helping you work past them, and with whom you share a deep personal connection?

Most of us are not used to making ourselves vulnerable beyond a few select individuals in our life. Becoming vulnerable with your teacher might sound scary. BUT I promise you after you do it, you will feel lighter, more free, and reinvigorated to move forward with your progress as a musician. Check out the bonus section at the bottom of this post for some resources on how to become vulnerable with your teacher/mentor.

---

Conclusion

A mentor should feel like a trusted friend; A person in whom you can confide your fears and concerns without judgement. When vulnerability goes both ways, you more willingly accept when they call you out on your crap, take difficult-to-hear advice, and trust when they say “no”. Start by getting to know your teacher on a personal level, and share with them things about your personal life, and you will be on your way to becoming developing a mentorship.

I will close this post with an excerpt from the work notebooks of a family medicine resident and a visiting clinical mentor, chronicling their work together in an Advanced Clinical Mentoring program. The mentor writes...

In this mentoring experience I have been moving away from my comfort zone, pushing my safety limits. We all get uncomfortable as we reach our safety limits; we become vulnerable. By embracing this vulnerability, growth becomes possible. When I am mindful of my fear and at the same time notice, reflect, and accept it, I may be breaking through my vulnerabilities to a position of strength. In this process, I extended what I am able to do comfortably.

How have you gotten to know your teacher more personally? how did it change your relationship? What was the first step you took? Was there a point at which you felt you crossed the mentorship threshold? Let me know in the comments or email me! If you found this article helpful please click the heart down in the bottom right and share it with a friend who you think will find it interesting too!

BONUS

Check out these resources for further help on mentoring, being a mentee, and becoming vulnerable.

https://www.leadingtomorrow.org/blog/the-need-for-vulnerability-in-mentoring This article explains how mentors sharing failures engages mentees on a deeper level by showing that mentors too experienced setbacks and were able to regroup and learn from them. It makes them more believable and genuine. You as a student, might want to ask your mentor (private teacher) how they overcame [insert obstacle], or ask them about how they went about getting gigs/ practicing before they “figured it out.” A great way to start becoming vulnerable with you teacher is to ask them about about their experience in lessons when they were young.

https://journalofleadershiped.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/4_1_Inzer_Crawford.pdf Abstract: “This paper reviews the literature of formal mentoring programs in organizational settings. Additionally, the components of mentoring, how it works, and how it can be implemented in an organization is addressed. Further this paper also proposes that formal mentoring is possible in organizations. Formal mentoring will be shown to be less effective than informal mentoring. Furthermore, it will be shown that formal organizational mentoring can be effective to meet the needs for all employees to have the opportunity to be mentored, to learn from the wisdom, experience and mistakes of others, and to increase the protégé’s career opportunities.”

https://www.fastcompany.com/3060810/how-to-be-someone-people-really-want-to-mentor This article explains that mentees (students) have a responsibility too. There are two points that directly relate to a musical mentorship.

One is to know what skills, you want to learn or improve. Identify your goals and bring them to your teacher. A good teacher will either help you with your goals or recommend another who can. A student who has prepared ahead of time is a much sought after pupil. The other thing is to have an agenda. Know ahead of time what you want to cover in your meeting (lesson). One or two things emailed or text messaged one or two days in advance will be more than enough to provide a goalpost for the meeting.

http://www.markjcarter.com/2013/10/mentoring-vulnerability-asking/ This article in particular provides a sample script for how to ask for help in a way that will actually help you. It also explain vulnerability. “This means letting people know where you’re falling short and what you’d like to learn. Vulnerability gives people the opportunity to help you. Vulnerability lets people know you’re a real person with real problems. Vulnerability lets people know they can relate to you and talk to you.”

http://onmentoring.blogspot.com/search/label/vulnerability a great supplemental resource on leaning more about vulnerability and mentoring.